Coming Back

It took me a long time to write this post, but I think I am ready to do it. We have been back to Chicago for a over 4 months now and objectively things are going really well. Both Mike and I have gotten our jobs back, we got our house back, and I even bought a new car. I got my job back in the middle of November, and technically that was the point that we could relax a little bit since we would be able to afford the house and not hemorrhage money like we did when we originally moved back. I am trying to keep everything in perspective because at times it was really hard for me to do that. To me, this wasn't an easy time even though we were never in any serious trouble. I say that because I know that my version of how everything shook out has a lot to do with my personality.

The Bad

The Renters
When we first came back to the states we immediately had to deal with an issue of our wonderful renters cutting down all of the little branches of a tree in our front yard. The issue was that the tree belonged to the city of Niles, and therefore wasn't ours or theirs to modify in any way. Even if we step back from the question of what kind of asshole decides to chop off all of the branches on a beautiful weeping mulberry tree when they are going to move out of the house in a couple of months, and what makes a renter feel that this is their job in the first place, it was still horrible. We had to go to court and argue in front of a judge. We tried to convince the court that the tree can be saved (we did this not just to avoid a hefty fine, but also because I loved that tree and I didn't want to see it replaced with a plain old non berry tree) It ultimately came down to the fact that it was cheaper for Niles to cut down the remaining tree and put in a new one than to nurse the existing one back to life, and since it's their property we had no say in the matter. On the positive side of things Mike argued them down from a fine of $2300 dollars to $1667. At the time we thought that this would be OK because our security deposit was 1900 so at least we would not be out that money.

Our issues with the renters didn't stop there. On top of everything they did not pay us for their last month of staying in our house. Our contract stated that they would rent it through November 1st, but we got a call from them saying that they were gone around September 20th or so. They just left. They didn't pay us, and they didn't exactly leave the house intact. Now that we have been back for a little while I feel like I have a complete list of all of the broken things in our home:
- Wall mounted garage door opener panel was smashed in
- a shelf went missing from one of our cabinets
- the deli drawer lid was ripped out of the refrigerator so that a new one is impossible to install.
- There were a couple of holes in the walls. I don't mean left over tiny pin holes from nails, I mean holes about a 1/4 inch in diameter.
- Our downstairs bathroom shelf was removed from under the bathroom mirror and rehung
- the mirror that was attached to our wardrobe upstairs was removed and screwed into the wall in the basement
- Finally, we found our bed and mattress wet and covered with dirt and black mold. The bed frame was completely broken and the mattress was disgusting.

This last portion made me upset in many many ways. First of all, what kind of idiot puts a bed and mattress outside? More importantly, who would put it back on the second floor. No one in their right mind would keep a moldy broken

bed frame and mattress. It just created more work for us. It was so stupid. While we were in the middle of carrying this nasty monstrosity down the stairs the renter showed up because he forgot to leave one of the garage door openers. We asked him about the bed and about the

rent and he replied that the fact that he didn't pay us rent for the last month was our fault for not writing us a recommendation, he did us a favor by chopping down the tree branches because the tree was sick, and he is "sorry" about the bed. If I had a gun, I would shoot him on the spot.

We ended up speckling and repainting our whole downstairs area and washing all of our curtains and cushion covers to get rid of the stench of those nasty horrible people. On the positive side, it helped us reclaim our house and make it nicer looking than it was before. We also ended up getting a nicer bed with storage and a bigger mattress. There are all sorts of positives, but at the time between the extra money that we ended up having to spend, and the incredibly rude attitude, I was beyond upset.

The Jobs
It didn't take me a long time to get a job if you think about it logically, but I obviously didn't. Since we were dealing with our crazy renters and spending money we didn't account on, I wanted at least one of us to get a job ASAP. I had interviews in 3 places in the first 3 weeks of being back, but then everything quieted down. I was also working against the clock, where going back to my old job was concerned, because if I came back within a year I could keep my original start date and my benefits which would be absolutely huge. I started panicking in early October as I couldn't agree on salary with one of the companies, and the other never contacted me after my final round of interviews. As soon as we came back to the states we became uninsured which means that I was also really stressing out about the possibility of us getting bankrupt by any sort of medical emergency that could occur at any moment. My old employer looked promising, but weeks kept passing by with no word. At the end of this whole mess it was a very close call. The anniversary of me leaving was November 21st, I got an official offer from the company on November 10th and my first day back was November 17th. I wish that I could have taken more time between getting a job, and actually going to it. I wanted to just be able to enjoy knowing that everything was going to be OK and maybe being a tourist in my own city, but that could not happen.

Mike didn't really start looking for a job until sometime in October when I started freaking out, and he stepped back again once I had an offer. We needed him to move us in, repaint, and do little things around the house. It also happens that appliances in my condo started breaking down, so it was convenient having him available to go there and fix things. Those days are numbered now, as Mike received an offer from his previous employer this week. Unfortunately for him, he also can't take any time to bask in the knowledge of employment because he doesn't get any vacation days for the first 30 days of employment and we have a vacation scheduled for the first week of March. (that's right, a vacation). I was so stressed out about the jobs and the house, and the condo for so long, that I can't even enjoy the fact that everything is now set. I just need to slowly get used to the fact that we are fine, completely fine, with a place to live we are not going to lose, and we don't have to limit how much we go out (although we will still eat at home more than we used to before we left), and there is no more uncertainty about what's going to happen.

Psychology
It was really hard to come back home. I anticipated some of the hurdles, and was blind sighted by

others. I expected freaking out about work and the fact that I couldn't just wave a magic wand and have everything back to how I like it. Expecting it didn't make it any easier. Basically I was scared before we went on our trip, I panicked when we first arrived because it became real, but I was also terrified when we came back. This was made both harder and easier by the fact that Mike is a completely different person than I am in regards to worrying. He never does it. He just assumes that everything will be fine. In fact, sometimes I ban him from saying "everything will be fine" because that is how he tends to respond to most worries that I present to him. His attitude makes it easier because only one of us is completely stressed out, but it makes it harder because he completely doesn't understand where I'm coming from so I feel alone and scared some of the time.

I completely didn't expect to feel a burden when reuniting with my family and friends. I missed them all so much that I completely forgot about the fact that relationships are always a double edged sword and when you are in a relationship with people there are obligations and things that you have to do, even though you don't really want to. I am probably not stating this well, and I anticipate a lot of you getting angry with me, but our time in never really our own when we live in the same city as our loved ones. There are events, and favors, and schedules. Mike and I can no longer decide what we want to do on any particular day because chances are there is something on the books slotted for this period of time. Everyone is over-scheduled and if you want to see them you have to put something on the books. It can be exhausting and limiting. I knew that this was an issue even before I left, but having tasted real freedom (mixed with loneliness and homesickness) I could really see just how entwined our lives are with the lives of others. Love has a price, so I guess the Beatles had it wrong, the best things in life aren't free either :)

I also didn't expect to feel such fatigue from living in a constant state of uncertainty. Only this week are things finally the way they were before we left. I still can't believe that it's real. I'm tired of being stressed and scared. In my mind, coming back was synonymous with the end of our adventure, but that was not the case. I think more than anything, it was my own expectations that made me miserable. By the time we left Australia, I was ready to resume my life, and when that didn't happen immediately upon our return I freaked out.

The other thing I didn't expect is the difficulty of living my old life. I am a different person now and my old life is a little tight. The stress in  NZ and Australia is nothing like the everyday regular life stress of living my old life. Everything is planned out on a calendar, everyone is busy, work - although not objectively stressful, is difficult when you think about the fact that my only other teammate was my husband for the last 12 months and we work very well together and have pretty good communication. I suspect that another part of the difficulty is that a goal that we have had for several years is now complete, and this created a vacuum in our lives (or at least in mine). My father has a saying "a soldier needs to task" and my task is complete. This soldier is a little moored at the moment.

The Good

Physical Comfort
I love living in an enclosed space with heat and running water. I love my kitchen and all of the appliances that are in it. I love taking a hot shower without shower shoes and being able to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without lacing up my sneakers and putting on a jacket. I love having a bed that I can sleep on and a mattress that is more than two inches thick. I love being able to control my thermostat. I love not having to cook every meal outside, regardless of weather (although I definitely want to incororate more outside eating when it's nice and warm and dry outside). Most importantly of all, I love love love not having to be cold all the time with no where to hide as has happened for several weeks in Australia.

People

I missed my friends and family so much. I love being able to see them whenever I want, I love being able to hug and kiss them, and to have conversations about nothing at all. I love planning vacations with them and their physical presence. I love being there when things happen so that I don't have to hear about them afterwards. I love seeing my parents and grandparents, and my wonderful cat. I didn't even realize how much I missed everyone. I love celebrating events such as birthdays, weddings, baby showers, etc with ALL of the people that I love. People's lives are always changing and it's important not to miss things. Mike and I missed the births of two babies while we were away! That is incredible.

Psychology
Now that the dust settles I can see my trip and the effects more clearly. This trip was an amazing adventure and I am not sorry I went. I learned so much about myself and about life that I didn't realize before. I have to say that by far the most important lesson I learned is that anyone can do anything if they want it badly enough and make it a priority. There are a million excuses for not doing any particular thing, but none of them really matter - if you are using those excuses it means that something else was more important. I also learned to believe in myself a lot more. I will go ahead and call myself a true blue certified BADASS!!! I have climbed glaciers and forged knives and hiked for miles and miles in the rain, and capsized in a kayak during a storm. I have made salad in a van, and showered with a deadly spider and swam with sharks and petted hedgehogs and fed wallabies. I have been threatened with being fork-lifted off a property and yelled at by disgruntled camp ground workers. I really lived! There were times when I was scared, and angry, and miserable, but I am so happy that I got to do it all, and that I got to do it with a wonderful partner who knows me so well and is so different from me and makes we jump out of my comfort zone and grab life by the balls. What an adventure I have had, and I just can't wait to see what else life has in store for me (provided I get a little time to rest and be boring so that I get store up my moxie for his next crazy plan.

The End (of this adventure)